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10 Techno-Commandments: Do's and Don'ts with Technology

Grab your coffee, sit down, and listen. There are commandments we should all follow when using technology. I'm going to outline them neatly here, and I hope that you all learn something from this. It may save you a LOT of hassle in the future.

1. PUT THE NEW THING BACK IN IT'S CASE

I'm only telling you once. If the screen gets scratched, I will literally kill you. By literally kill I very literally mean I won't kill you, but I will make the angry noise in your general direction.

2. NEVER TALK ABOUT VIRAL EMAILS

Had they been around now, Winston Churchill, Oscar Wilde and Mark Twain would all have come up with several pithy quotes about just how tedious it is to listen to someone about to describe an amusing video they've just been emailed. The said fact that the video has "gone viral" means I've probably seen it before, or rather watched the first five seconds of it, before scrolling down and amusing yourself with the comments. I love you mum, but if you try and tell me how funny the sneezing panda is one more time, I will literally scream. And by scream. I literally mean I will literally scream.

3. DON'T BUY PHYSICAL MEDIA

DVD box sets, VHS tapes from charity shops and CD's from service stations are good last minute gifts if you're running a bit late, but buying them for your own use is no longer the done thing. No modern man (or woman) should be seen dead coming out of a record shop with a hard, physical purchase. The fact it's called a record shop in the first place should give you some indication into the progressive nature of your purchase made within.

4. EMAIL IS THE PREFERRED FORM OF CONTACT

Nobody likes thinking on their feet. Yet people persist with making phone calls to each other. Emails and texts are far less stressful. Consequently, I'm more likely to answer a text or an email than any other form of communication. Including face to face. Whats more my response will likely be funnier. Although if I haven't got back to you after a while, just give me a call.

5. NEVER SET UP A WACKY/WEIRD EMAIL ADDRESS

It'll be funny for a week, less so for the next four years, until you finally realize you can't send off a job application with the email hotmails4douchebags@gmail.com, at which point you'll  have to change it. Getting a new passport is easier than getting a new email nowadays, and once more, realistically, I'll never get round to updating my contacts. Which means you're as good as dead to me.

6. USE THE SAME PASSWORD FOR EVERYTHING

Security experts would witter on about this being a bad idea. But, to be honest, if you have separate passwords for email, eBay, Amazon, iTunes, Spotify, Last FM, identifyyourwarts.com and PayPal, your brain  will fill up and you'll forget to eat. Don't be stupid though, and put your password as password. Be more creative. Like password1.

7. PUT YOUR REAL BIRTHDAY ON SOCIAL NETWORKS

It's alright to lie about the year you were born, as so many people do, but please put the correct day and month. I can't be bothered to remember most of this stuff, so if a little reminder doesn't pop up on Facebook, you're not getting a hastily prepared text wishing you a Halpy Birthdorp.

8. NEVER CHANGE SOMEONE ELSE'S SETTINGS

You can use my computer for a little while in an emergency. But if the default browser's changed, my desktop icons have moved, or the screen's at a different brightness when I get back, there will be the angry noise. And revenge.

9. DO NOT ASK TO BORROW MY BATTERIES

My batteries are special. They're high capacity, rechargeable's from a specialist dealer who's off the grid. Your Poundland disposables are an embarrassment, and quite possibly lethal. If you need more batteries, YOU buy them, or take them out of YOUR remote. Or try that rubbing and putting them in the other way around technique. My batteries are mine and mine alone. The electricity in them came from my home's plug sockets, so you're basically stealing my power, which I need for charging MY batteries.

10. DON'T TEXT WHILST TALKING TO ME

Am I so fucking dull that you need only allocate 9% of your brain power to nodding and smiling whilst I speak. Call me old fashioned, actually, don't, it's hurtful, but I need a little more feedback than vacuous nodding and smiling. Or am I so dull that I need sit here whilst you finish your virtual chit-chat?

I hope this is some help to any of you in any way. If not, then I hope you enjoyed reading it.


10 Techno-Commandments: Do's and Don'ts with Technology 10 Techno-Commandments: Do's and Don'ts with Technology Reviewed by Matt Large on Thursday, July 21, 2011 Rating: 5

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The Nutshell Team

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